I'm off to MNL tomorrow traveling by land and water. I'm restarting my new life tomorrow. Hoping for a chance to pursue my career as a Registered Nurse. If MNL won't give me the opportunity, I'm going overseas as previously planned. I'll miss:
1. Facebook-ing and Tweetting all day
2. Chatting with friends online
3. Grabbing online music
4. Oh my! what about my Vampire War chest?
I need a wi-fi phone and I'm getting just an E63 when I get to MNL. I'll watch PCD concert too and finally be hugging my Jemi! The feeling is ambivalent! Excitedly anxious!
Hope I won't meet H1N1 virus! I am not excited to meet you!
Friday, May 22, 2009
THIS IS WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT
For 2 months now I have tried my best to focus on other things I want to consider important. I am broken and shattered into pieces. It may sound as an overstatement but it's not. Others may think of one's emotion as unrealistic however, no one can measure the degree of your emotion but yourself.
It all started with an instant visual attraction. Honest conversation came next thus the implication of knowing the person. The honesty and supposed-to-be humility made the attraction stronger resulting to the pursuance of love. I am a fan of Filipino love flicks where a boy would court the girl with flowers, helping out at the girl's house and befriending the girls family. No matter how queer I am, I've always had the hetero- love appreciation.
I thought, my first love was not romantic. It started with, yes go ahead and laugh, YM. Meeting this new person wanted me to materialized my hetero- dream.
It turned out nice, before the relationship started I talked to the mother and got her YES.
The sad part came crashing in when demands were pouring. Asking this and that when I know I cannot provide them. They weren't as necessary as the things I was providing. I became a family man in an instant. I did not regret it, it was fun and made me feel very responsible. it would have turned out fine if I have gotten the support I was needing. Talked about it and still all I was getting were immature arguments like breaking up just because I cannot buy new clothes. I mean, come on! Would you rather purchase new clothes for a one night party versus a sack of rice for a month consumption?
Then argument of me not letting him work and all... I explained, just support me and do your part since there was an agreement for the willingness to be a "house-wife-husband". Very difficult time indeed since I gets to earn the green and train someone to be responsible. At my age? I wanted to me immature and be baby-ed but I chose not to because I want to grow up. I was loving the responsibility minus the arguments.
Unconsciously, the argument got the best of me. I lost my possible promotion until I lost my desire to go to work. I felt like I was just dragging myself to work. When was at work, I didn't want to go home to get away from the arguments. Who wouldn't get tired of weekly arguments? Weekly!
I held on because of my dumb principle that things will turn out find tomorrow. I've waited and waited but it never came until I lost everything. My dreams were re-constructed with him included. I was heading to path where we will both be successful however, we just couldn't understand each other. Letting him understand things will take a million of arguments and he'll understand it for, say, 24-48 hours. That's the length of time of his realization then another argument arises.
Left my job, left MNL and we were suppose to start all over again in ILO. We're going to make it work in a simplier life. It never turned out nice. The lack of trust or the lack of love. I never thought all will be wasted. If it was real love, giving up is never an answer. No matter how stressful the arguments were, issues will be fixed and it's not going to be one-sided.
With this entry I'm draining my pain along with it.
The visual attraction was instant
The honest conversation was fluid
The emotion was uncontrollable
Hence, love was summoned
I pursued my love amidst the low esteem
I loved but it never lasted, hesitated
I said I will try to love again
Gave my best courting until I've got it
I begged, be with me only if you love me
I'd rather left hopeless than uncertain
Change is inevitable or mask was broken
The true self was starting to unfold
Humility, simplicity and understanding
They were just a facade, all faded
When pain surmounted love,
I held on to the happy thoughts
I did what I can to keep the love
but was damaged again
It all started with an instant visual attraction. Honest conversation came next thus the implication of knowing the person. The honesty and supposed-to-be humility made the attraction stronger resulting to the pursuance of love. I am a fan of Filipino love flicks where a boy would court the girl with flowers, helping out at the girl's house and befriending the girls family. No matter how queer I am, I've always had the hetero- love appreciation.
I thought, my first love was not romantic. It started with, yes go ahead and laugh, YM. Meeting this new person wanted me to materialized my hetero- dream.
It turned out nice, before the relationship started I talked to the mother and got her YES.
The sad part came crashing in when demands were pouring. Asking this and that when I know I cannot provide them. They weren't as necessary as the things I was providing. I became a family man in an instant. I did not regret it, it was fun and made me feel very responsible. it would have turned out fine if I have gotten the support I was needing. Talked about it and still all I was getting were immature arguments like breaking up just because I cannot buy new clothes. I mean, come on! Would you rather purchase new clothes for a one night party versus a sack of rice for a month consumption?
Then argument of me not letting him work and all... I explained, just support me and do your part since there was an agreement for the willingness to be a "house-wife-husband". Very difficult time indeed since I gets to earn the green and train someone to be responsible. At my age? I wanted to me immature and be baby-ed but I chose not to because I want to grow up. I was loving the responsibility minus the arguments.
Unconsciously, the argument got the best of me. I lost my possible promotion until I lost my desire to go to work. I felt like I was just dragging myself to work. When was at work, I didn't want to go home to get away from the arguments. Who wouldn't get tired of weekly arguments? Weekly!
I held on because of my dumb principle that things will turn out find tomorrow. I've waited and waited but it never came until I lost everything. My dreams were re-constructed with him included. I was heading to path where we will both be successful however, we just couldn't understand each other. Letting him understand things will take a million of arguments and he'll understand it for, say, 24-48 hours. That's the length of time of his realization then another argument arises.
Left my job, left MNL and we were suppose to start all over again in ILO. We're going to make it work in a simplier life. It never turned out nice. The lack of trust or the lack of love. I never thought all will be wasted. If it was real love, giving up is never an answer. No matter how stressful the arguments were, issues will be fixed and it's not going to be one-sided.
With this entry I'm draining my pain along with it.
The visual attraction was instant
The honest conversation was fluid
The emotion was uncontrollable
Hence, love was summoned
I pursued my love amidst the low esteem
I loved but it never lasted, hesitated
I said I will try to love again
Gave my best courting until I've got it
I begged, be with me only if you love me
I'd rather left hopeless than uncertain
Change is inevitable or mask was broken
The true self was starting to unfold
Humility, simplicity and understanding
They were just a facade, all faded
When pain surmounted love,
I held on to the happy thoughts
I did what I can to keep the love
but was damaged again
RESTARTING
Yesterday was visually tiring for me since I've spent almost my entire day trying to get a hold of the controversial Hayden Kho and friends (if I may call them) videos. Around 8PM I was able to accomplish my mission.
Last night was enlightening to me. I've read the Purpose Driven Life and I can remember the line,
"... Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment..."
The words may seem like the exact words from the book, well, it really is.
I've shared this thought to my Genesis friends and other friends. I think I am already healing from the pain. Friends have been there saying this and that. What I have learned throughout my life is that no one can ever tell you what to do, you would either hear them talk but not listen or simply reject people's idea. Your true healing will come when you decide that it is time to heal. I don't want to linger on the past anymore. I have to forgive myself for committing the errors.
Like what I've said, I have to reconstruct myself for I have been damaged. Not for anybody else but myself. I am worthy of no one but myself and my mom. I'm starting things all over again. I want to make it right.
Last night was enlightening to me. I've read the Purpose Driven Life and I can remember the line,
"... Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment..."
The words may seem like the exact words from the book, well, it really is.
I've shared this thought to my Genesis friends and other friends. I think I am already healing from the pain. Friends have been there saying this and that. What I have learned throughout my life is that no one can ever tell you what to do, you would either hear them talk but not listen or simply reject people's idea. Your true healing will come when you decide that it is time to heal. I don't want to linger on the past anymore. I have to forgive myself for committing the errors.
Like what I've said, I have to reconstruct myself for I have been damaged. Not for anybody else but myself. I am worthy of no one but myself and my mom. I'm starting things all over again. I want to make it right.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
CONCLUSION OF MY CIRCUMCISION JOURNEY plus MY JEMI'S INTRODUCTION
I decided not to blog until something different happens in my boring monotonous life. Everyday in my Iloilo Life I did nothing but wake up at around 7:00AM, take a bath, get dressed then go to my brother's store and attend to people who want to download songs on their mp3 players. I'll wait until 6:00PM then go home then watch T.V. then sleep. I mean, this is the most non-productive boring days of my life. Yes, non-stressful but the absence of stress is stressing me out as well. It is, in fact, driving me nuts.
Though for the past couple days of I was able to rejoin my Foreskin-cutters colleagues. Although it's outside of my job description as a nurse to actually preform circumcision due to the scarcity of physicians in Estancia, Iloilo, I actually did.
It was initially discouraging especially when it all gets bloody and my dexterity hinders me to work faster when it comes to suturing the foreskin. Being left-handed challenged me in some medical procedures but thank God I can always adjust.
After observing a medical student and assisting him in one of our missions and observed a long-time practicing surgeon perform dorsal-slit circumcision, I actually got the hang of it. I was even able to perform faster than my Med Student mentor. It's just a matter of confidence and learning best practices from those who knows. Reading helped me as far as identifying the challenges in the operation and how it can be managed.
I'd say getting the compliment synonymous to what I used to get back in college feels good. Getting a thumbs up from people around you gives a good self-boost. Thanks!
I'm extremely anxious if I can get in to this prestigious hospital in Manila. I submitted my letter of application and my resume. I really want to practice my profession. I'm going to do it well this time.
It was a long time ago I really wanted to get a pet but my Dad's voice echoing on my ears saying "Why take care of a pet if you cant even take care of yourself yet?" and that was said when I was a kid. I guess now I can get my own pet I wanted to get a cat. Any breed, Persian, Siamese or Himalayan will do. I Googled it and came across a page selling 2 Persian kittens. One is a 4 and a half old and the other is 3 and a half. I opted the younger since I cant get a hold og him until I get back to Manila. I contacted the person selling the cat and requested if I can see him via webcam and I did. I loved it and the following day I paid for my very first kitten. I had trouble figuring out what to call my kitten. I got random names in my mind and even contacted my friends. Blah... blah.... blah... I can't wait to see my cat, and yes Rean, I'll call him Jemi as you suggested. *wink
So there! my cat-son is not to randomly called a kitten or Miming but Jemi!!!
Jemi
Though for the past couple days of I was able to rejoin my Foreskin-cutters colleagues. Although it's outside of my job description as a nurse to actually preform circumcision due to the scarcity of physicians in Estancia, Iloilo, I actually did.
It was initially discouraging especially when it all gets bloody and my dexterity hinders me to work faster when it comes to suturing the foreskin. Being left-handed challenged me in some medical procedures but thank God I can always adjust.
After observing a medical student and assisting him in one of our missions and observed a long-time practicing surgeon perform dorsal-slit circumcision, I actually got the hang of it. I was even able to perform faster than my Med Student mentor. It's just a matter of confidence and learning best practices from those who knows. Reading helped me as far as identifying the challenges in the operation and how it can be managed.
I'd say getting the compliment synonymous to what I used to get back in college feels good. Getting a thumbs up from people around you gives a good self-boost. Thanks!
I'm extremely anxious if I can get in to this prestigious hospital in Manila. I submitted my letter of application and my resume. I really want to practice my profession. I'm going to do it well this time.
It was a long time ago I really wanted to get a pet but my Dad's voice echoing on my ears saying "Why take care of a pet if you cant even take care of yourself yet?" and that was said when I was a kid. I guess now I can get my own pet I wanted to get a cat. Any breed, Persian, Siamese or Himalayan will do. I Googled it and came across a page selling 2 Persian kittens. One is a 4 and a half old and the other is 3 and a half. I opted the younger since I cant get a hold og him until I get back to Manila. I contacted the person selling the cat and requested if I can see him via webcam and I did. I loved it and the following day I paid for my very first kitten. I had trouble figuring out what to call my kitten. I got random names in my mind and even contacted my friends. Blah... blah.... blah... I can't wait to see my cat, and yes Rean, I'll call him Jemi as you suggested. *wink
So there! my cat-son is not to randomly called a kitten or Miming but Jemi!!!
JemiSaturday, May 2, 2009
LONDON BRIDGE HAS FALLEN
Cheerios Pacman! *smirk
May 2, 2009
London Bridge Has Fallen to a so-called Man From the Country of Servants*roll-eyes
THE FORESKIN CUTTING CONTINUES
*this entry is not for the faint-hearted, blood and other medical procedure captures are posted below*
I was living my post-call-center-career in Estancia, Iloilo doing nothing but downloading songs, blogging, FB-ing, surfing porns (Ooops! Did I mention that?) when a politician side-kick arrived. He gave me a weird-alien-looking stone and when I held it, it absorbed my life energy... Lolx! that's not how it happened.
The Vice Gov's personnel came and my brother asked if he can talk to the Vice Gov to help me get a job in a hospital since I am a registered nurse. It's the usual thing done in countrysides to get a decent job in a government owned establishments. It was supposed to be a meet-and-greet only with the Vice Gov when Manong Boy, (the sidekick) asked me if I want to go with them to Daculan for a Circumcision Caravan that's sponsored by the Vice Gov... with that started my Foreskin Cutting Journey...
We've accomplished 5 areas already and conducted the circumcision at:
- Daculan, Estancia, Iloilo
- Sara, Iloilo
- Batad, Iloilo
- Balasan, Iloilo
- Ajuy, Iloilo
The last one, in Ajuy, was the most tiring since we had 240 patients for circumcision and I actually performed 20 or so. As requested by a friend, Varry, below are the pictures:
We conquered Sara, Iloilo
This will soon help increase Philippine population
Batad's Mayor's House
Suturing after cutting the foreskin
Suturing
A cemetery view on the road
This is beauty while circumcising
Parental support for the little boy
Making sure all instruments are C-L-E-A-N
Signage
A police post on the way to Carles, Iloilo
Kids in Balasan, Estancia, Iloilo all lined up
Kids from Ajuy ready for circumcision
I was living my post-call-center-career in Estancia, Iloilo doing nothing but downloading songs, blogging, FB-ing, surfing porns (Ooops! Did I mention that?) when a politician side-kick arrived. He gave me a weird-alien-looking stone and when I held it, it absorbed my life energy... Lolx! that's not how it happened.
The Vice Gov's personnel came and my brother asked if he can talk to the Vice Gov to help me get a job in a hospital since I am a registered nurse. It's the usual thing done in countrysides to get a decent job in a government owned establishments. It was supposed to be a meet-and-greet only with the Vice Gov when Manong Boy, (the sidekick) asked me if I want to go with them to Daculan for a Circumcision Caravan that's sponsored by the Vice Gov... with that started my Foreskin Cutting Journey...
We've accomplished 5 areas already and conducted the circumcision at:
- Daculan, Estancia, Iloilo
- Sara, Iloilo
- Batad, Iloilo
- Balasan, Iloilo
- Ajuy, Iloilo
The last one, in Ajuy, was the most tiring since we had 240 patients for circumcision and I actually performed 20 or so. As requested by a friend, Varry, below are the pictures:
We conquered Sara, Iloilo
This will soon help increase Philippine population
Batad's Mayor's House
Suturing after cutting the foreskin
Suturing
A cemetery view on the road
This is beauty while circumcising
Parental support for the little boy
Making sure all instruments are C-L-E-A-N
Signage
A police post on the way to Carles, Iloilo
Kids in Balasan, Estancia, Iloilo all lined up
Kids from Ajuy ready for circumcision
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