For 2 months now I have tried my best to focus on other things I want to consider important. I am broken and shattered into pieces. It may sound as an overstatement but it's not. Others may think of one's emotion as unrealistic however, no one can measure the degree of your emotion but yourself.
It all started with an instant visual attraction. Honest conversation came next thus the implication of knowing the person. The honesty and supposed-to-be humility made the attraction stronger resulting to the pursuance of love. I am a fan of Filipino love flicks where a boy would court the girl with flowers, helping out at the girl's house and befriending the girls family. No matter how queer I am, I've always had the hetero- love appreciation.
I thought, my first love was not romantic. It started with, yes go ahead and laugh, YM. Meeting this new person wanted me to materialized my hetero- dream.
It turned out nice, before the relationship started I talked to the mother and got her YES.
The sad part came crashing in when demands were pouring. Asking this and that when I know I cannot provide them. They weren't as necessary as the things I was providing. I became a family man in an instant. I did not regret it, it was fun and made me feel very responsible. it would have turned out fine if I have gotten the support I was needing. Talked about it and still all I was getting were immature arguments like breaking up just because I cannot buy new clothes. I mean, come on! Would you rather purchase new clothes for a one night party versus a sack of rice for a month consumption?
Then argument of me not letting him work and all... I explained, just support me and do your part since there was an agreement for the willingness to be a "house-wife-husband". Very difficult time indeed since I gets to earn the green and train someone to be responsible. At my age? I wanted to me immature and be baby-ed but I chose not to because I want to grow up. I was loving the responsibility minus the arguments.
Unconsciously, the argument got the best of me. I lost my possible promotion until I lost my desire to go to work. I felt like I was just dragging myself to work. When was at work, I didn't want to go home to get away from the arguments. Who wouldn't get tired of weekly arguments? Weekly!
I held on because of my dumb principle that things will turn out find tomorrow. I've waited and waited but it never came until I lost everything. My dreams were re-constructed with him included. I was heading to path where we will both be successful however, we just couldn't understand each other. Letting him understand things will take a million of arguments and he'll understand it for, say, 24-48 hours. That's the length of time of his realization then another argument arises.
Left my job, left MNL and we were suppose to start all over again in ILO. We're going to make it work in a simplier life. It never turned out nice. The lack of trust or the lack of love. I never thought all will be wasted. If it was real love, giving up is never an answer. No matter how stressful the arguments were, issues will be fixed and it's not going to be one-sided.
With this entry I'm draining my pain along with it.
The visual attraction was instant
The honest conversation was fluid
The emotion was uncontrollable
Hence, love was summoned
I pursued my love amidst the low esteem
I loved but it never lasted, hesitated
I said I will try to love again
Gave my best courting until I've got it
I begged, be with me only if you love me
I'd rather left hopeless than uncertain
Change is inevitable or mask was broken
The true self was starting to unfold
Humility, simplicity and understanding
They were just a facade, all faded
When pain surmounted love,
I held on to the happy thoughts
I did what I can to keep the love
but was damaged again
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